HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Take a look at this guide to help you know if your relationship is healthy or not...

Each person in the relationship has a separate identity. If there is not enough separateness, one gives up a sense of his or her own identity, devoting much effort to becoming what the other person expects.

Ø         A/though each person desires the other, each can survive without the other. If someone

says, "I simply cannot live without my girlfriend/boyfriend", it can spell out trouble for the relationship.

Another person's dependency should not be interpreted as love but as seeking for an object to make

them feel complete.

Ø         Each is able to talk openly with the other about matters of significance to the relationship. Both people can safely and openly express grievances and let each other know the changes they desire.

Ø      Each person assumes responsibility for his or her own /eve/ of happiness and refrains from blaming the other if he or she is unhappy. Of course, in a close relationship or friendship the unhappiness of the other person is bound to affect you, but you should not expect another person to make you happy, fulfilled, or excited. Ultimately, you are responsible for defining your goals and your life, and you can take actions to change what you are doing if you are unhappy with a situation.

Ø         Both people are willing to work at keeping their relationship alive, This means that one person cannot be doing all the work!

Ø         They are able to have fun and to play together; they enjoy doing this with each other. It is easy to become so serious that we forget to take time to enjoy those we love. What is getting in the way of your enjoying life or this relationship?

Ø         Each person is growing, changing, and opening up to new experiences. When you rely on others for your personal fulfillment and confirmation as a person, you are in trouble. The best way to build solid relationships with others is to work on developing your own personality.

Ø           The two people are equal in the relationship. People who feel that they are typically the "givers" and that their partners are usually unavailable when they need them might question the balance in their relationships. In some relationships one person may feel compelled to assume a superior position relative to the other-for example, to be very willing to listen and give advice yet unwilling to go to the other person and show any vulnerability and need. Both parties need to be willing to look at aspects of inequality and demonstrate a willingness to negotiate changes.

Ø      Each person actively demonstrates concern for the other. In a vital relationship the participants do more than just talk about how much they value each other. Their actions show their care and concern more eloquently than any words. Each person has a desire to give to the other. They have an interest in each other's welfare and a desire to see that the other person is fulfilled.

Ø      Each person finds meaning and sources of nourishment outside the relationship. Sometimes people become very possessive in their friendships. A sign of a healthy relationship is that each avoids assuming an attitude of ownership toward the other. Although they may experience jealousy at times, they do not demand that the other person deaden his or her feelings for others. Their lives did not begin when they met each other, nor would their lives end if they should part.

Ø      Each person is moving in a direction that is personally meaningful, They are both excited about the quality of their lives and their projects. Applied to couples, this guideline implies that both individuals feel a sense of engagement in their work, play, and relationships with other friends and family members.

Ø      If they are in a committed relationship, they maintain this relationship by choice, not simply for the sake of the children involved, out of duty, or because of convenience. They choose to keep ties with each other even if things get rough or if they sometimes experience emptiness in the relationship. Because they share common purposes and values, they are willing to look at what is lacking in their relationship and to work on changing undesirable situations.

Ø      They are able to cope with anger in their relationship. Couples often seek relationship counseling with the expectation that they will learn to stop fighting and that conflict will end. This is not a realistic goal. More important than the absence of fighting is learning how to fight cleanly and constructively, which entails an ongoing process of expressing anger and frustrations.

Ø      Each person recognizes the need for solitude and is willing to create the time in which to be alone. Each allows the other a sense of privacy. Because they recognize each other's individual integrity, they avoid prying into every thought or manipulating the other to disclose what he or she wants to keep private. Sometimes parents are guilty of not respecting the privacy of their children. A father may be hurt if his daughter does not want to talk with him at any time that he feels like talking. He needs to realize that she is a separate person with her own needs and that she may be needing time alone when he wants to talk.

Ø      They do not expect the other to do for them what they are capable of doing for themselves. They do not expect the other person to make them feel alive, take away their boredom, assume their risks, or make them feel valued and important. Each is working towards creating his or her own autonomous identity. Consequently, neither person depends on the other for confirmation of his or her personal worth; nor does one walk in the shadow of the other.

Ø      They encourage each other to become all that they are capable of becoming. Unfortunately, people often have an investment in keeping those with whom they are intimately involved from changing. Their expectations and needs may lead them to resist changes in their partner and thus make it difficult for their partner to grow. If they recognize their fears, however, they can change their need to block their partner's progress.

Ø      Each has a commitment to the other. Commitment is a vital part of an intimate relationship. It means that people involved have an investment in their future together and that they are willing to stay with each other in times of crisis and conflict. Although many people express an aversion to any long-term commitment in a relationship, how deeply will they allow themselves to be loved if they believe the relationship can be dissolved on a whim when things look bleak? Perhaps, for some people, a fear of intimacy gets in the way of developing a sense of commitment. Loving and being loved is both exciting and frightening, and we may have to struggle with the issue of how much anxiety we want to tolerate. Commitment to another person involves risks and carries a price, but it is an essential part of an intimate relationship.

 Discussion questions for SG's on this topic.  download here