PERSONALITIES IN SMALL GROUPS

The TALKER ... never stops talking, always a comment for everything

• Don't apply duct tape!
• Be encouraging. Most often if a student has a comment about everything he is engaged. However, don't let him/her stifle others from sharing.
• Affirm the contributions, but ask the rest of the group: "Does someone other than______want to share an opinion?" Or "We heard what he said; I want to hear from someone else, too."
• If the talking is not contributing in a positive way, place the talker next to you — within your reach.
• Circulate an object — a stuffed animal, Nerf, etc. — a student must possess it to speak.
• Chances are, the Talker has some natural leadership ability that should be encouraged.
• Let him lead your small group every now and then ... if he is spiritually mature enough. This may help him appreciate more what you endure as the leader and be more supportive when you lead.
• If the problem persists, get some alone time with her and talk about giving others a chance to answer the questions. Help her feel like she's on your team and that two of you need to work together.

The THINKER... extremely shy, doesn't speak, keeps to him/ herself

• Don't interpret the silence as something that needs to be fixed!
• Some students learn best by listening and watching — and there's a good chance she is one of them.
• Get to know the student: name, interests, family, etc. The more you know him and he knows you, the easier it will be for him to contribute to the group.
• Position her across from you so that you can optimal eye contact; don't let her be outside of the group circle.
• Break your group into smaller groups for some discussion. He may not share in a group of 12, but will feel comfortable in a group of 4.
• The tried and true method of occasionally directing questions to specific students.
• Spend some one-on-one time with her to discover what she's interested in — so you can create the kinds of questions that bring her into the discussion.
• Use the positive reinforcement of affirming him on the occasions when he actually does respond publicly.

The CHURCH KID... has all the right answers, but little spiritual depth

• This student has probably spent more time in the church than you have! She has progressed from the nursery to senior high.
• He knows more about the Bible than any other student, perhaps even you. However, his Bible knowledge may or may not indicate spiritual depth.
• Church students may be the hardest to reach — because they think they have heard it all.
• Don't be satisfied with pat or superficial answers. Always ask WHY.
• Play the devil's advocate by countering her squeaky-clean, correct answers with provocative arguments from the other side of the issue.
• Opt for questions that leave room for a variety of valid responses, not just the "right" answer.
• Pray for this student ... ask God to soften her heart, to give her a teachable spirit.

The CLOWN... can't sit still, distracts others with jokes and comments

• This student can't sit still and ends up distracting everyone in your group / class ... including YOU!
• There are 2 kinds of distracters: engaged and disengaged. Determine which one he is.
• Rather than stifling his energy ... direct his energy toward productive ends: pass out Bibles, set up chairs, serve snacks, etc.
• Do active learning experiences — exercises or object lessons — instead of just sitting and talking week after week.
• You may better understand this student if you get together with him outside of your group / class.
• Realize that he may be helpful for keeping the lesson from getting boring.
• Look for ways to engage him in your group.
• Don't be afraid to ask this student to step outside of the group if he is an ongoing distraction.

The DEBATER ... always playing devil's advocate, argues most points

• She irritates you by challenging every point you (or someone else) tries to make!
• He brings creative energy to the group — but in the process stifles the other students by making them feel threatened or inferior.
• Establish some ground rules for your 4sight class / “outtasight group:” It's okay to disagree with opinions, but it is inappropriate to attack or put down other group members if their opinions differ from yours.
• A second ground rule: only one person talking at a time.
• These rules can help lessen the criticism and restrains her from interrupting others.
• If he can abide by these rules, his input can actually enliven your discussion.
• Encourage students to talk to and with each other about their thoughts ... not always directed at the leader.
• Just remember your goal is to direct, not stifle, discussion.

The CRISIS PRODUCER ... always in crisis, has a personal illustration for everything

• This student is in a perpetual crisis — and lets your group know it every meeting!
• He's often self-absorbed and thus unable to participate in the discussion, except when it's focused on him.
• Get together with her before your class/group begins in order to talk through her problems with just you instead of in front of the whole group.
• Or begin with the assurance you will take prayer requests at the end of your time together! This may help him stay focused.
• Your longer goal is to help him see past her crises to some solutions, and to participate in your group without having to constantly bring the focus back to herself.
• If the crisis is real ... be willing to adjust your lesson if needed. You may need to stop and pray together. Be sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading.

The "DRUGEE" ... the student that is "drug" to church by hisparents

• These students are as loved by God as the student who brings her Bible every week and exhibits all the signs of spiritual growth.
• Don't let the exterior intimidate you.
• Be open to getting together with him outside your class / group in order to gain a better understanding of his background — chances are you can minister hope and love in a way that he has not experienced. Nothing can replace the value of writing notes, making phone calls, and spending time with him.
• Allow her to sit — often students are more engaged mentally than their physical appearance would indicate.
• Don't lose your temper or escalate tension with your voice or body language. Never react in a similar way to his behavior.
• Be patient. Most students that are forced to go to church take time to crack the exterior.
• Look for ways to affirm. If he does something commendable (no matter how small), gently congratulate him.
• Be willing to try a variety of approaches. If one method is not working, don't give up. Try a different approach.
• Seek to get to know the families. The more background you know will help you minister effectively to this student.
• Pray for this student ... ask God to soften her heart

The AGGRESSOR ... insults and criticizes others

• Ask yourself — is this characteristic of this student? Is he just having a bad day? Or is this a perpetual behavior? Insulting comments are never appropriate, but how you handle the student often is determined by understanding the background.
• There are two types of aggressors: passive aggressors and active aggressors.
• Set appropriate boundaries: Treat one another with common courtesy.
• It is never appropriate to verbally attack someone. It is okay to differ with someone's opinion ... but never to criticize a person.
• In your role as a leader you need to protect every student in your group. If someone was verbally assaulted, don't just move on. Stop and affirm the person that may have been hurt by careless or intentional comments.
• Pause and ask the speaker, "Did you really mean what you just said?" Most often things are stated in a harsher way that intended.
• After the class / group talk with both students — the offender and offended. Clear up any unresolved issues or hurts before leaving. Responding immediately is important.
• Be willing to ask someone to step out of the group ... you cannot allow someone who is verbally hurtful to remain in a situation when he can create more pain.

The groan was almost audible as Ashley raised her hand to share during small group. The group was growing tired of her always having an opinion or having to be the center of group attention and the attitude toward her was worsening weekly.

We all encounter people similar to Ashley: vocal people who make us cringe inwardly whenever they open their mouths, rough-around-the-edges people who offend us, opinionated people who make us roll our eyes in exasperation, unlovely people we’d rather didn’t come to our small group.

Some of these people DO end up in our small groups! How can we replace the groan in our hearts with Christ's love? Here are some steps that may be helpful:

• Recognize Jesus’ love for them. (See Matthew 9:12)
• View myself accurately-as equally needy before God (See Romans 3:23)
• Do a heart check. Perhaps the problem isn’t them, but my own attitude (See Matthew 7:1-5)
• Befriend them. We often judge or criticize people without knowing much about them. Finding out that Ashley has ADD would help me understand her impulsiveness as a medical issue as well as one of self-control. It increases my compassion for her.
• Stop commiserating with others about how inappropriate or problematic that person is. Gossip only compounds the problem (See Proverbs 26:20)
• Model Grace. As I respond graciously (with underserved kindness), others will follow suit, and the atmosphere of our small group will change
• Disciple them. Offer to meet with the student for a set period of time to work on a specific area of needed growth or study. Developing a relationship with Ashley will convince her of my love for her. Looking together as Ephesians 4:29 and discussing the issue of unwholesome versus helpful talk will provide a loving environment in which to receive needed correction. The extra time spent outside group time often results in a change in the way difficult students act during group time.
• Pray for them.-not just during your quiet time but during your meeting as they speak.
• Expect the best. It’s easy to fall into the habit of anticipating trouble from difficult students and in the process miss opportunities to see the good in them. Look for even the smallest evidence of growth, and affirm the positive. Trust God to grown them (see 2 Corinthians 5:17; Ephesians 3:20; Philippians 1:6)